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Post by maolsheachlann on May 4, 2014 21:23:29 GMT
Does anyone know any good Catholic jokes?
I think my favourite might be from the pontificate of Pope Benedict XVI. Pope Benedict and Rowan Williams, then Archbishop of Canterbury, die at exactly the same time and find themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out to meet them personally, assures them they've made the grade, but tells them he needs to interview them both before they get in, to make sure they're one hundred per cent orthodox.
'You first' he says to Rowan Williams, and they disappear into St. Peter private office.
Two hours later, the Archbishop comes out gasping, wiping sweat from his brow and says, "My dear Lord, that's the toughest experience I've ever been through. You're up next, Your Holiness! Best of luck!".
Pope Benedict disappears into St. Peter's office, and Rowan Williams hangs around to see what happens to him.
Three hours later, the office door opens again, and St. Peter comes out gasping and wiping sweat from his brow...
I can't remember where I encountered this one.
I'd also be interested in any theories of whether Our Lord uses humour in the Gospels. Some people find humour in some of his words. I'm not sure.
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 19:53:51 GMT
I'm sorry but I don't entirely get the joke. I mean I think I kind of do...
I don't have any jokes, yet, but I'll try to make some up.
Oh, did you hear the one about the drowning guy who asks God for help? I hear it's supposed to be hilarious.
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Post by maolsheachlann on May 5, 2014 21:11:27 GMT
Oh, did you hear the one about the drowning guy who asks God for help? I hear it's supposed to be hilarious. Hardy-har! (A bit of an in-joke there, people. You threw me for a second, Antaine.) The point of the St. Peter joke is that Pope Benedict is apparently more of a stickler for orthodoxy than St. Peter himself.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2014 10:49:35 GMT
Oh, now I get it.
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Post by hibernicus on May 8, 2014 16:07:01 GMT
There are various jokes about the supposed characteristics of certain religious orders. For example: HAving argued all their lives about which of their orders is better, the Jesuit and the Dominican arrive in Heaven. They consult the angels on the subject, and are advised to send a message to God Himself. After some time, they receive the following reply: "My dear children; cease these pointless disputes. Both your great Orders are equally dear to me. Yours, God, SJ" {or OP, depending on which is telling the story - though now that I think of it, it would be even funnier if it said OFM, O.Carm., or some other Order).
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Post by Young Ireland on May 13, 2014 18:20:45 GMT
Some very funny jokes there guys. Here are some I thought of today:
What happens when a load of attractive people join the church en masse?
A Charismatic Renewal!
What happens in a room full of unhappy priests?
A Mass protest!
Where in the Church is it the same year every year?
Youth 2000!
The three needs of every woman are Family & Life & ...?
A Manly husband!
How can you tell that Youth Defence are Irish nationalists?
They have a Greene and a White, but they don't have an Orange!
Why did Phyllis Bowman fall out with John Smeaton?
He SPUCed her away!
Where do you go to be united and free?
Communion and Liberation!
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Post by hibernicus on May 13, 2014 20:33:47 GMT
Members of various religious orders are saying their office in church one evening when the lights blow. The Benedictine continues to recite his office from memory. The Franciscan begins extempore prayer on the theme of "Blessed be thou, Lord, for Sister Darkness". The Dominican starts to think up an erudite analysis of the nature and significance of darkness. The Jesuit finds and fixes the fusebox. This is the version I picked up. Has anyone any ideas about what Redemptorists, Carmelites, or Augustinians might be expected to do?
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Post by hibernicus on May 14, 2014 21:18:06 GMT
This one I found in the official biography of Cardinal Winning (late Archbishop of Glasgow)at the expense of overzealous Marian devotees:
Michelangelo is up on the scaffolding painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling when an old woman comes in and starts praying. (Yes, I know it's the Pope's private chapel, but let's allow some dramatic licence).
He puts on a booming voice: "I am Jesus Christ. Say what you wish and all your prayers will be granted."
The old woman snaps back: "Quiet! I'm talking to your mother."
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Post by pugio on May 15, 2014 16:08:44 GMT
Great thread. I heard the following one similar to Hibernicus's....
Three traditional priests are reciting their night office together in chapel. One is from the Institute of Christ the King, one from the Society of Pius X, and one from the Fraternity of St Peter. All of a sudden the lights blow out.
The Institute priest, being a Benedictine, continues to pray in the dark. The SSPX priest, being a brutally practical man, says he'll run down to Woodie's to buy some bulbs. The FSSP priest cries, "No! Don't leave the church!"
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Post by pugio on May 15, 2014 16:13:54 GMT
Catholic pick-up lines:
"Is this seat taken, or are you a sedevacantist?"
"You have beautiful brown-scapular coloured eyes!"
"Are you a traditionalist? Because your form is extraordinary!"
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Post by hibernicus on May 15, 2014 22:01:28 GMT
Unfortunately what the SSPX priest has left the church to get is the notorious Lefebvre-Fellay Widget, which incorporates many of the faults of the ancient and notorious Wittenberg-Geneva model. Pope Benedict gave it a fair trial and got badly burnt, and after his experience no-one is likely to trust it again!
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Post by pugio on May 16, 2014 22:02:52 GMT
Perhaps you're right. I still thought it was funny...
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Post by Ranger on Jan 6, 2015 12:52:42 GMT
A Franciscan, a Dominican and a Jesuit are walking down the street together, when they suddenly behold a vision of the Holy Family in the stable at Bethlehem. The Franciscan falls down on his knees in awe at the poverty of the Christ child, of God become man in such humble conditions. The Dominican falls down on his knees in awe of the theological mystery of the Incarnation, the Word made flesh. The Jesuit steps into the vision and puts his arm around St. Joseph's shoulder, and says: 'So, where are you thinking of sending the young lad to school?'
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Post by Alaisdir Ua Séaghdha on Jan 7, 2015 8:45:54 GMT
My father (dead twenty years or so) had his own take on that last joke. When the Jesuit asked where the Christ Child was going to school, St Joseph answered they couldn't possibly take a carpenter's son in Clongowes Woods.
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Post by hibernicus on Feb 14, 2015 19:03:32 GMT
Eccles is often a bit too hard-hitting for my taste, but I think this is a nice one: EXTRACT The Curia - essentially the Vatican's Civil Service - is a body with a long and distinguished history. It was founded by Christ Himself, when he gave Peter the keys to Heaven and - as a consolation prize - passed on the keys of His filing-cabinets to the other disciples, saying "Keep an eye on him." END ecclesandbosco.blogspot.ie/2015/02/can-curia-reform-pope-francis.html
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